Seasons of Friendships

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I couldn’t have said it between myself. I have been present in everyone’s lives the last four years.. not because I didn’t want to be… because I couldn’t be. There’s a difference. I chose me because that’s who needed all of my focus and energy. I’m better and I’ll keep getting better one step at a time.

So, for those of you that have shown me an abundance of grace and have been okay standing in the shadows, thank you. Relationships/friendships have seasons. Some are meant for a lifetime and some are not. It’s what you learn and take away from that relationship that matters.

Cooking for One

Those who know me well at all.. know that I don’t cook much since I’ve become a widow.. we were recent empty nesters before Jeff died and had been eating out more. But, since I have a five day weekend and the weather gods gave us snowpocalypse and has prevented me from leaving my house, more snow coming, I’ve decided to make spaghetti sauce. From scratch. To freeze. I know. I know. Pick your chin up off the floor.. it may be freezing outside but I assure you, hell has not frozen over.

So.. I drug out this amazing piece of cookware that I earned as a Pampered Chef hostess last year for free.. no guilt in it sitting in the shelf when it was free.. for the second time ever and I’m going to fill my home with the smell of yummy goodness!

Thankfully when my daughter comes to visit she cooks and therefore has to buy spices.. and it’s not like she’s taking them on the plane home!

It still boggles my mind sometimes when I think about how much my life has changed in the last four years. And the fact that we are in the fifth year of Jeff being gone.. is crazy to me.

Bon appétit!

Another Year has Come and Gone

Today we would have celebrated 29 years of marriage. Some days it’s still surreal that he’s gone. I’ve come so far on my journey of healing. In so many ways I’m not the same person that I was last year or even six months ago.

I’ve been on a different kind of healing journey the last 7/8 months. One that has had me digging up and purging decades worth of pain and fears. A journey that has been anything and everything except easy. I spent the first couple of months constantly crying. Not just sniffles here or there but the kind of crying that leaves you hollow and thinking there couldn’t possibly be any tears left to shed. Not just every few days… EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I cried at work. At home. At the store. Driving. I felt like I had gone back to year one in my grieving and in some ways I did.

I’ve learned so much about who I was and who I have become. I’ve rediscovered Melissa. I’ve learned what I’m willing to accept and what are definite “no goes.” I’ve learned that I can love again… I was afraid that I couldn’t. I’ve learned that I am worthy of waiting for the right person for me to come along. I’ve learned to love myself where I’m at.

For months before therapy I felt like I was chasing something that I couldn’t catch. I had become a person that I didn’t like and was ashamed of. My closest friends were worried about the choices I was making. I believe that things happen for a reason and I needed to walk that path for a while. Just like I believe that you meet people along your journey for a reason. Sometimes they walk just a short distance with you and sometimes they carry you when you can’t walk at all and sometimes they walk the distance with you. I’m grateful for the lessons I’ve learned.. which were hard but necessary. For without them I wouldn’t be who I am today.

We all say life is too short and that we should buy this or that or take the trip or eat the cake.. but we don’t always do it. Well.. maybe always eat the cake! We all get so busy making a living that we forget to live. I’m learning to live again. To live for today. To not look to the past and not look to the future. The only guarantees in life are that you’re born and you die. So, make the in between something to remember.

Four Years

Four years ago, about 12:15 pm, was the last time I heard his voice. He had been packing for elk camp and I was in bed reading. He came to bed and we chatted for a few minutes. I’m sure he was reminding me about putting out the garbage and reminding me when he would be home or something to that effect. If I had known that would be the last time I heard his voice. The last time He would hear mine. I would have told him how much I loved him. How proud of him I was. What an amazing dad and grandpa he was. I would have told him about the plans for the future that were bouncing around in my head. I would have done and said so many things.

I have no regrets. I have no coulda, woulda, shouldas. I have no unfinished business. I have no I wish I would haves.. Our love was deep. It was a forever kind of love. When he died I never thought that I would be happy again. I never thought that I would love again. Or be loved again. Or entertain the idea of living with someone again let alone get married again. I know now that that’s not true. I know now that I without a doubt, have room in my heart to love another. I know now that I will be loved again. I know now that I want to live with someone again. To be married again.

But, for now, I am enjoying the beginning of something magical. Something beautiful. Something new. For now I am living for today. I’m working hard every day to not look to the past. To not look into the future. We can plan, hope, and dream about the future but the reality is that it’s not up to us alone to decide our fate. There’s free will. Things happen without explanation. The unexpected happens and turns our worlds upside down. Inside out.

I will leave you with this. Live life to the fullest. Slow down and literally smell the roses. Learn to be still. To be quiet. To enjoy. Learn to not hurry. To not rush. Look for the joy and embrace it. Take the time to read that book. To take that vacation. To visit with that friend you are always saying you should make time for. To just be. To breathe. To relax. To enjoy. Rediscover who you truly are. Embrace and celebrate the little things. Make time for you. Self care is important. It’s necessary. It makes you a better person, spouse, significant other, mom, friend, employee, boss, grandparent, sibling. Learn to truly love yourself flaws and all. Learn to feel sexy. To feel desired. To be comfortable in your own skin. Learn to take risks. To live. Don’t be so busy making a living that you forget to live. We hear “Life is too short” all the damn time. It’s true. No matter how old or young you are… it’s always too short and tomorrow is never promised. Like Tim McGraw says, “Live like you were dying.” Check things off your bucket list instead of only adding things. If you need help learning how to do any of these things…call me. I will help you remember. I will teach you how. It’s taken me four years to get here and I still have a lot to learn…my therapist would agree with me on that one. She’s amazing. If you need one.. hit me up.

A New Chapter

Tomorrow begins a new chapter for me. Last week I accepted a job as a Head Start Instructor! I am extremely excited to have my own classroom!! On the same day, my diploma arrived! As most of you know, this has been a long and emotional journey for me. My plan was to be teaching five years ago.. then, life threw me some curve balls that were undeniably unavoidable. I didn’t always handle those curve balls with grace but I continued to move forward. Some days it was only an inch or not at all. But, that’s okay because forward is forward no matter the pace.

I could not have reached my goals without the support of my Village. My friends. My family. I know that Jeff would’ve been so proud of me. We made scarifies as a family for me to go back to school all those years ago. He picked up slack around the house, grocery shopping, making dinner for he and Josh.

One of my biggest cheerleaders was my beautiful friend Wendy. She lost her bottle to Cholangiocarcinoma (bile duct cancer) a couple weeks ago. I’m happy that she knew I finally earned my degree! But I wish she was here to help celebrate my new job. I’m happy she is pain free and no longer suffering. I am truly blessed to have had a friend like Wendy. She inspired me to keep going when I didn’t want to. Six and a half years ago when I was sitting by my dad’s side while he was losing his battle with cancer, and I was attempting to read 104 pages in a matter of hours in my humanities book.. It was Wendy I talked to. It was her that said.. drop your classes. It was her that looked up the dean of financial aid’s email and told me what to say. She worked in financial aid at another school so she was always mine and my daughter’s go to for any and all things FASFA related. I will miss you, my friend.

I’m beyond excited for this next chapter of my life. 2020 has been unbearable in so many ways for most of us. I have had some really dark days since March and I have also had many blessings. As 2020 begins to wind down and come to an end, I hope that we can all look back and celebrate the good that has also come from a year that none of us ever want to repeat again.