The Perfect Kind of Crazy

…my life as I know it

Just Do It!

Just do it! Take the chance. Step out on the limb. Do the thing. Risk it. Why you might ask? Because you, my friend, are worth it! You are worth the chance. Worth the risk. And, if you don’t ‘Just Do It’ you will never know. What’s the worst that can happen? Someone tells you no? You get your feelings hurt? Well, I’m here to tell you that someone will always hurt your feelings your spouse, your best friend, your kids, your parents… It’s a fact of life. You will get told no. That is also a fact a life.

The last two days I have been reminded of how short life can really be. How tomorrow is never promised. A close friend of mine is walking in the same shoes right now that I walked in just over four years ago. She is facing all of those hard decisions. She will have to sign on that dotted line when the time comes to end life support. My heart is extremely heavy for her and her family. For her father in law who will have to bury his son. For her brand new grand baby that will grow up not knowing her grandpa. For her children. But, mostly for her. She is strong. She is a fighter. She is a survivor. If I have to tell her that every day for the next year…I will.

So… I did something that I said I wouldn’t do. I did something that I feared was a mistake. I did something that will either bring me closure to another part of my journey or possibly begin something over. I had ‘buyer’s remorse’ so to speak, the next day. I went from, “I’m glad I did this” to “What the hell was I thinking?” From “Now I will know” to “I don’t want to know.” From tears to a bounce in my step. From fearing the unknown to meh.. what happens happens.

The last several months have been extremely hard in therapy. I have poured buckets of tears onto the floor of my therapist’s office. I have used countless tissues. I have bared my heart and soul. I have shoveled crap outta my basement for almost a year now. I am not the same person I was when I began this journey of healing. Hell, I’m not the same person I was just a few months ago. I’m a better version of myself. Stronger. More secure. I have a sense of peace that I don’t remember ever having.

Along this journey I met a man. A sexy, intelligent, kind man who has a passion for children like I do. Who wants to save the ones who need saved. Who has similar family values. Who loves and adores his children. We had an instant connection that still blows me away. Neither one of us were looking. Neither one of us were ready for that level of intensity. After a few months we went our separate ways. I learned so much about myself in those few months. He taught me and showed me things about myself that I didn’t see. That I didn’t believe. I learned that I could love again…I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to. He told me that I’m beautiful so many times that I believe it. He gave me back my confidence as a woman. He believed in me. He encouraged me. His energy level matches mine. His positive outlook inspires me. Grieving a relationship, the loss of hope for what could have been… is hard. Would I change any of it? Absolutely not. If you want to know why… re-read this paragraph.

I know you all are wanting to know what it was that I did… here it goes… fueled by cadillac margaritas and girl chat I stepped out on that limb. I took that chance. I risked it. I did the thing. I texted him. “I’ve been thinking about you…” He texted me back the next night. I din’t fall off the limb. I didn’t regret doing the thing. It was worth the risk. I’m not going to share the details with you.. somethings are meant to be kept private. I don’t know where this will go or if it will go anywhere at all. What I do know is that I am glad I did it. No matter the outcome I know he still cares.

I’ve learned in therapy to not look at the past or to the future, to live for today. You can’t change the past so there’s no point in camping out there. You can’t predict the future because there is free will and no guarantees. The only thing you can do is live for today. When I expressed my fear that I had made a mistake she reminded me that there are no mistakes only lessons to be learned. Maybe we still have lessons to learn together. Maybe we don’t.. I don’t know and honestly I don’t care. What I do know is that our paths crossed again for a reason. One of my best friends says it best when it comes to those who have come into our lives, “A reason, a season or a lifetime.”

So… text the man. Text the woman. Pick up the phone. Go on that date. Flirt with the sexy one. The one who gives you butterflies that feel like birds are flapping around in your tummy. The one who brings a smile to your face simply by seeing your name pop up on their screen. Love like there’s no tomorrow. Better yet, make love like there’s no tomorrow. Say, “I love you” if that’s how you feel. Buy the purse or the shoes. Eat the chocolate. Drink the latte’. Your pants will forgive you…mine always do. Most importantly, live your best life everyday.

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Seasons of Friendships

I couldn’t have said it between myself. I have been present in everyone’s lives the last four years.. not because I didn’t want to be… because I couldn’t be. There’s a difference. I chose me because that’s who needed all of my focus and energy. I’m better and I’ll keep getting better one step at a time.

So, for those of you that have shown me an abundance of grace and have been okay standing in the shadows, thank you. Relationships/friendships have seasons. Some are meant for a lifetime and some are not. It’s what you learn and take away from that relationship that matters.

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Cooking for One

Those who know me well at all.. know that I don’t cook much since I’ve become a widow.. we were recent empty nesters before Jeff died and had been eating out more. But, since I have a five day weekend and the weather gods gave us snowpocalypse and has prevented me from leaving my house, more snow coming, I’ve decided to make spaghetti sauce. From scratch. To freeze. I know. I know. Pick your chin up off the floor.. it may be freezing outside but I assure you, hell has not frozen over.

So.. I drug out this amazing piece of cookware that I earned as a Pampered Chef hostess last year for free.. no guilt in it sitting in the shelf when it was free.. for the second time ever and I’m going to fill my home with the smell of yummy goodness!

Thankfully when my daughter comes to visit she cooks and therefore has to buy spices.. and it’s not like she’s taking them on the plane home!

It still boggles my mind sometimes when I think about how much my life has changed in the last four years. And the fact that we are in the fifth year of Jeff being gone.. is crazy to me.

Bon appétit!


Another Year has Come and Gone

Today we would have celebrated 29 years of marriage. Some days it’s still surreal that he’s gone. I’ve come so far on my journey of healing. In so many ways I’m not the same person that I was last year or even six months ago.

I’ve been on a different kind of healing journey the last 7/8 months. One that has had me digging up and purging decades worth of pain and fears. A journey that has been anything and everything except easy. I spent the first couple of months constantly crying. Not just sniffles here or there but the kind of crying that leaves you hollow and thinking there couldn’t possibly be any tears left to shed. Not just every few days… EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I cried at work. At home. At the store. Driving. I felt like I had gone back to year one in my grieving and in some ways I did.

I’ve learned so much about who I was and who I have become. I’ve rediscovered Melissa. I’ve learned what I’m willing to accept and what are definite “no goes.” I’ve learned that I can love again… I was afraid that I couldn’t. I’ve learned that I am worthy of waiting for the right person for me to come along. I’ve learned to love myself where I’m at.

For months before therapy I felt like I was chasing something that I couldn’t catch. I had become a person that I didn’t like and was ashamed of. My closest friends were worried about the choices I was making. I believe that things happen for a reason and I needed to walk that path for a while. Just like I believe that you meet people along your journey for a reason. Sometimes they walk just a short distance with you and sometimes they carry you when you can’t walk at all and sometimes they walk the distance with you. I’m grateful for the lessons I’ve learned.. which were hard but necessary. For without them I wouldn’t be who I am today.

We all say life is too short and that we should buy this or that or take the trip or eat the cake.. but we don’t always do it. Well.. maybe always eat the cake! We all get so busy making a living that we forget to live. I’m learning to live again. To live for today. To not look to the past and not look to the future. The only guarantees in life are that you’re born and you die. So, make the in between something to remember.

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Four Years

Four years ago, about 12:15 pm, was the last time I heard his voice. He had been packing for elk camp and I was in bed reading. He came to bed and we chatted for a few minutes. I’m sure he was reminding me about putting out the garbage and reminding me when he would be home or something to that effect. If I had known that would be the last time I heard his voice. The last time He would hear mine. I would have told him how much I loved him. How proud of him I was. What an amazing dad and grandpa he was. I would have told him about the plans for the future that were bouncing around in my head. I would have done and said so many things.

I have no regrets. I have no coulda, woulda, shouldas. I have no unfinished business. I have no I wish I would haves.. Our love was deep. It was a forever kind of love. When he died I never thought that I would be happy again. I never thought that I would love again. Or be loved again. Or entertain the idea of living with someone again let alone get married again. I know now that that’s not true. I know now that I without a doubt, have room in my heart to love another. I know now that I will be loved again. I know now that I want to live with someone again. To be married again.

But, for now, I am enjoying the beginning of something magical. Something beautiful. Something new. For now I am living for today. I’m working hard every day to not look to the past. To not look into the future. We can plan, hope, and dream about the future but the reality is that it’s not up to us alone to decide our fate. There’s free will. Things happen without explanation. The unexpected happens and turns our worlds upside down. Inside out.

I will leave you with this. Live life to the fullest. Slow down and literally smell the roses. Learn to be still. To be quiet. To enjoy. Learn to not hurry. To not rush. Look for the joy and embrace it. Take the time to read that book. To take that vacation. To visit with that friend you are always saying you should make time for. To just be. To breathe. To relax. To enjoy. Rediscover who you truly are. Embrace and celebrate the little things. Make time for you. Self care is important. It’s necessary. It makes you a better person, spouse, significant other, mom, friend, employee, boss, grandparent, sibling. Learn to truly love yourself flaws and all. Learn to feel sexy. To feel desired. To be comfortable in your own skin. Learn to take risks. To live. Don’t be so busy making a living that you forget to live. We hear “Life is too short” all the damn time. It’s true. No matter how old or young you are… it’s always too short and tomorrow is never promised. Like Tim McGraw says, “Live like you were dying.” Check things off your bucket list instead of only adding things. If you need help learning how to do any of these things…call me. I will help you remember. I will teach you how. It’s taken me four years to get here and I still have a lot to learn…my therapist would agree with me on that one. She’s amazing. If you need one.. hit me up.

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