About six months ago I woke up and the fog that had been lingering over me had finally lifted. I could see clearly for the first time in more than two years. That morning I knew I wanted to live again. What exactly that looked like I wasn’t quite sure of. In fact, there are days when I’m still not quite sure what that looks like. What I did know is that I wanted to be happy again. To laugh again. To reconnect with friends. To spend time with those that truly mattered the most. With those that bring me the most joy. With those that inspire positivity and love me unconditionally.
In order to make that happen I was going to have to step out of the safety and security of my four walls and the file mile radius that I did my best to stay inside of. That meant I was going to have to pick up the phone and do more than just answer a text or two. That meant I was going to have to stop making excuses for why I couldn’t go to lunch or hang out. That meant I was going to have to be uncomfortable in order to grow. That meant I had to make an honest effort if I was going to find my happy again.
Like in true Melissa fashion, I jumped in with both feet an hit the ground running. I got on a couple dating apps. I made and kept plans with friends. I had a social life for the first time in more than two years. Honestly, my normal hit the ground running didn’t work for me this time. It was all overwhelming. Especially the dating part… WOW! Things have certainly changed in the last 30 years. What the hell happened to meeting someone organically? After the first week I was questioning my morals, values, my scruples and everything I thought I knew about myself. I was making lists of the things I thought I wanted and didn’t want in a potential boyfriend.
So, I took a step back and reassessed how I was going to get my happy back. How I was going to find true joy again. What it looked like to have a social life again without being completely overwhelmed. I needed balance. I needed to pace myself. I needed a new plan. The old me could go full speed for days on end before I crashed….not the new me. The new me needs quiet time to myself. The new me can’t do chaos and crowds anymore. The new me can’t handle stress or multi task like the old me could. The new me is still far more emotional than the old me. All of that…the new me stuff…pisses me off. But, I am working on accepting that that is how I am meant to be now. I have been through emotional hell and back so how can I expect to be the same person that I once was?
To get where I am today has taken a lot of hard work. A lot of self reflecting. A lot of taking care of my emotional and mental health. A lot of being selfish for the first time in my life. None of which has been a choice. It was and isn’t a choice for me to not move forward. No matter the speed; forward is forward. Some days it can’t barely measurable and others it’s hard not to notice my progress. When friends and family noticed that I was smiling and laughing more I knew I was on the right track. I have all of them to thank for encouraging me to not give up on dating. To not give up on meeting new people. I am beyond blessed to have a couple of friends who are also widows, one I met less than a year ago, that have helped me navigate this dating stuff. They have reassured me that all of the things I have felt are normal for what I am going through. It’s all a part of the process. Some days that process can kick rocks. Other days it’s good and some days it’s really good. Navigating this journey is going to be a continuous process that changes as I learn and grow.
When I look back at the path I have already traveled I’m in awe of how far I have come. There are parts that are at steep incline. There are parts that are smooth and straight. There are parts that are full of pot holes and boulders. There are parts that are thick mud that is super hard to move through. For each of those parts I am thankful. Without all of these obstacles to overcome I wouldn’t be the person I have become today and continue to grow to be. Soul shattering grief is exhausting in every way possible. It is not only emotional. It’s also physical. Your body aches in ways that shouldn’t be possible. It weakens your muscles and ages you. It drains you of every last drop of energy.
I have come through all of that and so much more. Like the Phoenix, I have emerged from the ashes a better version of me. A better person, mom, grandma and friend. I am far less judgmental and critical of others. I am more aware of the journey others are walking and give more grace. I am learning to live my best life by making an honest effort to make every day count. I’m not perfect but I’m making it work.
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